I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I feel like abortions should bother me more
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
