just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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