Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
