Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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