How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
