Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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