I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
