I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
