I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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