Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize