theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
