Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
