It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
