are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
