Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
