Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
