you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
