I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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