I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
