So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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