Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
