nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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