I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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