I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
