I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
