I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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