is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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