So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
