I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
