the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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