I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
