I love black thongs
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
