Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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