Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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