He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
