3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
