Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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