i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
