I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
