i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
