What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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