Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
