Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
