Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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