I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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