My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize