my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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