there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I had to cum in my sink.
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