i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
