it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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