I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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