So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
