We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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