So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
