fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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