About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
