I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Randomize
