Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
now i know why i became what i already was.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
