Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
