:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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