we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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