btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize