That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
